Yeah, I guess I have been busy lately. Got a new job a few weeks ago. Housekeeping. As I say the word ‘Housekeeping’ it sounds much more glamorous than it really is, if that is even possible. Part of me really likes this job and the other half hates myself for that. Not that there is anything wrong with being a housekeeper at all. It is sometimes hard work, depending on the house, but it is well earned money when the pay is fair. And it is giving others a helping hand, which I have always liked to do. So yeah, all around, not a bad job at all. But it is the reason why I like it that has me a bit down on myself.
I like the job because I can be alone.
I have a boss who works in separate parts of these huge houses, but the majority of my day is spent all by lonesome amongst rich folks’ crap… at times literally, unfortunately. And I like that because I like to hide. Which if you ever really met me in real life, you wouldn’t really believe that. I am very outgoing. When I have to be in a crowd, I can –and usually do—shine . I do well at social gatherings.
Outwardly.
Inwardly, I am the biggest coward in the world.
Fact: I’m a singer. And not the “I like to sing in the shower but stray alley-cats screech with me if I open the window” kind of singer. I mean like I’ve been offered deals and have performed on hundreds of stages.
“Blowing your own horn much, Luv?”
No, because I’m not singing now. To anyone. And haven’t since 2003.
My god, I loved to perform. The feeling of getting on stage and looking out over the audience… the bigger the better. The butterflies, the energy, the lights, the silent pause before the first note of the song, when everything is silent and you know there are a lot of people waiting for something. Wanting something great from you. The delivery. The applause. It rocked so hard!
And now I’m so much more comfortable scrubbing wealthy people’s shitty toilets in solitude because I’ve lost myself and every single one of my dreams. Where and why, that baffles me. I don’t know where the constant negative internal dialogue came from, but I’m so beyond sick of it!
Is this the only job I could possibly get? I could get out there and look for something in the area of work that may one day lead me towards my true dreams. But I’m settling.
I'm 34 years old.
34
Have all my opportunities washed away or is there one or two left out there to grab a hold of before the curtain closes?
Of course, those of you who are past the age of 34 are rolling your eyes and telling me to snap out of it. That I am actually very young and can do almost anything from here on in. Indulge me, I can’t see the future and it doesn’t feel that way.
This week while at work, all alone and hiding from my dreams, I focused on that contrast of desire between where I was in my reality and where I really wanted to be. I tried to imagine that I was back on stage. That I was hearing the applause and seeing the smiles I had put on peoples faces. I imagined the heat from the lights and that breathless pause…
I want it.
All of it.
And I am so sick of watching others do it and wishing I hadn’t lost my voice. The voice of my indestructible spirit. I’m tired of other performers’ success making me sad.
The plan: I’m going to try out for the next open singing part at the local theatre here in Windsor.
You may tell me to be realistic and not to expect much, but if you could understand just how damaging all the low-expectations I’ve held have been…
I’d rather try and fail, than to still be sitting here next year lamenting over my missed opportunities.
Housekeeping is a great job, good money for actual hard work. I’m grateful to have it to help put food on our table. But it isn’t where I truly want to be.
I’m not expecting the moon and all of the stars here….just want to feel those lights on my face.
